My first short story attempt

[James D Gilbert]

Hello Everyone

Just signed up today, looking for criticism on my first short story and people to chat with who have a similar mindset.

Just to give you a heads up i'd say its a 18+ rating.
If anyone has a few minutes to spare i'd really appreciate any kind of criticism at all

Thanks

J

[AB]

Hi James. I have to say I really liked it. I haven't been through it with the intention of looking for any errors as it was only a quick read through but I really like it yeah. I have to admit that when they were buying the objects they were I did guess that it might be for sinister purposes. You might want to change them to something more subtle. I liked the gory descriptions of the bodies. Is that true about the blood in a body....... or is this something you have made up? I definately wanted to read on.

[James D Gilbert]

Hi

Thankyou very much!

You're the first unbiased feedback i've had and i'm glad you liked it. I think you're right about the items in the shop. Maybe I can make them seem less important.

I've noticed in you're profile that you're a Garth Nix fan. What did you think to Superior Saturday?

p.s. About the blood thing. Yeah its kind of true. Because the heart is no longer pushing the blood around it all settles because of gravity. Although you'd probably need to wait a long time for the blood to drain from a head.

Thanks for your repy

J

[AB]

I haven' read it yet to be honest. I read Friday but didn't realize that one was out yet so don't add any spoilers :) Will have to get it next time I'm out. If you do any more on the story be sure to post it up again, cheers