CRIT: Short excerpt of as of yet untitled story

[Fiona Southwell]

One of the names here might sound very familiar =) I'm uploading this basically to get feedback on how the relationships come across between the characters, so please, if you would, take the time to give me some comments ^_^

[Red]

As always, your writing style is great. Word has thrown up a lot of little green lines and most of them you can ignore, because it's just Word not understanding your style, but take a look at them all the same because there's one or two moments where a comma could do to be a semi-colon or something. Also it might be a good idea to think a bit about your paragraphing; sometimes you start a new one where you don't need to and it kind of breaks up the flow of your writing.

As for the relationships between the characters. At first it seems as though Aidenn is the subordinate of Azkel, but then you start to realise things are a bit more complicated. Maybe you could elongate the dinnertable scene a bit to build up some tension between the two. My only criticism is that it's all a bit too quick; Azkel seems like the kind who'd rather manipulate Aidenn than just go straight to brute force.

There's obviously a pretty strong friendship between Aidenn and Kalidas too, and they seem to trust each other, but I like the twist at the end there where Aidenn leads Kalidas to believe he nobly refused to attack Azkel when really he just let his guard down. I'm impressed with all three characters here, they're not just one dimensional heroes and villains, they're quite deep, well thought out characters. Good work, I look forward to reading more.

Red

p.s. I really like the idea of the dragons being vulnerable to gold. Is that some obscure piece of mythology that I've not heard of or your own invention? Either way it's a thumbs up from me.

[Fiona Southwell]

Thanks for such a detailed comment, Red! Much appreciated. I'll take a closer look at that paragraphing and the little green lines.

I was thinking the same myself about it seeming too quick, but it was scribbled rather quickly from the seed of an idea into my notebook while I was on the bus home from uni.
You do learn during the course (perhaps later, perhaps earlier, I'm not sure yet) that Aidenn could have easily destroyed Azkel, but the situation between them and his inherent sense of honour prevent him from doing so. He is obscenely powerful... I just have to make sure not to show it too often so it has more of an impact when it is shown.

The idea of dragons being vulnerable to gold stems from my old roleplaying days. I forget where I got it from, but I don't think it's any kind of existing mythology. If it is, I'm not aware of it!

Thanks again!

Fiona.

[Red]

I'd recommend later in terms of revealing the full extent of Aidenn's power. It's good to let the reader build up their own opinions and suspicions about a character, then let them ponder it before you reveal all. Leaving a mystery open will add a lot to the depth of your characters, and also keep the reader interested, so long as you don't hold back so much information that they get sick of not knowing what's going on lol.

Oh and as far as I know the gold thing is original. I've never heard before of dragons being vulnerable to...well, anything, let alone gold. In fact, I can think of at least one who was rather fond of it. Anywho, my point is it's a cool idea. laters,

Red

[Lysmandor]

Very interesting and unique idea. I would definitely like to hear more about these characters. The gold thing is very interesting, though, truth to tell, it seems like a blend between a werewolf myth (silver poisoning) and the dragon thing. It is an original mix, not cliched as so much fantasy is, and the idea of a dragon being a subordinate to anyone is definitely new. I liked it, though i think there was one place where a comma should have been a period toward the end.

[AB]

Hi Fiona. I have to agree with the comments you've received so far. The writing style is very good and I really like the whole dragon characters. My only question would be whether it is explained before this point that the dragons have a human form. You do kind of pick that up but then some younger readers might be left a little confused (ie picturing an actual dragon sipping from a cup and holding a dagger.)

Apart from that (which isn't a criticism) I'd say it gets a big thumbs up. I've re-attached the word doc with a few comment bubbles here and there but nothing major. The end definitely makes me want to know more and, as Red has mentioned, I love the fact these characters are a lot deeper than the simple villain vs hero mix.

Oh, one more thing. Red commented on your paragraphing. There are certain places that the large gap between paragraphs made me think the next paragraph was going to be a different setting / scene. Like in books when you get the row of ***********. Can't remember the name for this right now. I know this is only a formatting issue but thought you might want me to mention it.

Any chance of some more extracts? Really looking forward to finding out what happens :)

[Fiona Southwell]

Oh yes, you do find out that HIS particular.. 'breed' of dragons have human form almost as soon as his character is introduced. Besides, I'm not really aiming for readers at the age where they wouldn't understand that.

I might have a few more bits and pieces I can put up =) I've written about another page onto it, extending the beginning as Red suggested and continuing on after the end.

[AB]

Cool. Sounds really good. I like the fact you've added your image as well. It really helps to visualize the scene as it happens. Look forward to reading more :)

[Fiona Southwell]

Here's what I have after taking all into account (and adding more of my own). Enjoy~

=)

[AB]

Hey Fiona, that reads great to me. I like the extra stuff you've added and I'm glad you still left me wondering at the end. That is what I liked especially with the last draft, that I wanted to know more and you retained that element.

I think the style evokes some great imagery and flows well.

The only things I would point out would be:

'.... I can touched gold with little ill-effect, ...' Should this be 'touch'?

'...him to sit down before he knelt before the fire and attempted to wake it ...' Maybe change the second 'before' to 'beside' as you have used the same word twice in the same sentence.

Apart from that, quality :)

[Fiona Southwell]

Hehe. I do that a lot. Thanks for pointing those out.

Funny... Word will point out when I don't put 'and' before 'then' after a comma, but won't tell me when I've used the wrong tense and totally messed up a sentence. Who the hell makes these programs?

[Red]

Damn, I was gonna get the first reply but AB beat me too it. Anyway all I can add is to say is that I'm really enjoying this. The image of Aidenn encased in gold is really striking. Only pointer I have is that it would really tidy up the presentation if you indented each new paragraph. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Oh and as far as I can see these programs are made by idiots. Though one of the funniest things ever was when I was busy working on my novel; I came to write a note one character had written to another and guess what.... a jiggling paperclip popped up at one side and said "It looks like you're trying to write a letter."

[Fiona Southwell]

Aah, I got rid of the stupid paperclip. I have a little dog! It's awesome xD

Indenting paragraphs. Righto. I've never done that before =P

Hey... you go to the same uni as me don't you. I'd love to meet you if you'd like! =)